penname.

a-lee-x:

the movie has its pros and its

#khans

“I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.”

siopold:

lets-have-awkward-sex:

mickjaggerstinytodger:

*gets the urge to delete all my social network accounts, drop out of school and live in the woods*

you can’t just thoreau your life away like that

OH MY GOD

(via oriibuu)

anniephantom:

labirdgeoiseed:

this is my favorite goofy pun ever, I have told it at least five times

I don’t care, fuck you

okay ready

as you all know, saint patrick walked barefoot as an act of contrition, which made his feet rugged and blistered. he ate an ascetic’s diet, which made him weak and additionally gave him bad breath.

all of this made him

a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

oh my god

(via campkitsch)

captorihardlyknowher:

count-vulvula:

thedivingboard:

russia coming 15 minutes late to the 1917 revolution holding a tsarbucks

15 minutes late they clearly weren’t

russian

looks like they were

stalin

(Source: democracykills, via lesugarbro)

Saturday craft: apron with the cutest fabric ever. The daisy buttons were my grandmother’s idea because “they’re pushing up daisies!” 

Thought I’d share:

I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now. 

·I tried to catch some fog. I mist. 

·When chemists die, they barium. 

·Jokes about German sausage are the wurst. 

·A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 

·I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time. 

·How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. 

·I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me. 

·This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore. 

·I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down. 

·I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words . 

·They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O. 

·A dyslexic man walks into a bra . 

·PMS jokes aren’t funny, period. 

·Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations. 

·Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory— I hope there’s no pop quiz. 

·The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery. 

·I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me. 

·Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils? 

·When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble. 

·What does a clock do when it’s hungry? It goes back four seconds. 

·I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me! 

·Broken pencils are pointless. 

·What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus. 

· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool . 

·I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest. 

·I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx. 

·All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on. 

·I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough. 

·Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes. 

·Velcro - what a rip off! 

·Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy. 

·Venison for dinner? Oh deer! 

·Earthquake in Washington obviously government’s fault. 

·I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.

florawrsaurus:

booksneak:

ew-romance:

theother-worldlyninja:

moraniarty:

pwnator:

kiriloid:

tdrloid:

pelicaneggs:

jiinkiie2:

garrys-wife:

Wow, that case must be JAM-packed.

It’d butter be

looks like shes bready to go

my flight had better be rye-t on time

i’d hate for her to be forced to wheat

I bet that costs a lot of dough.

that case is toastally awesome

That case must be handy when you’re crumbing and going.

i really knead that bag

That suitcase looks like bread.

I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING AT THAT LAST COMMENT.

(Source: , via lesugarbro)

(Source: gilmoure, via partypoison)

combeferret:

combeferret:

who was the roundest knight at king arthur’s round table

sir cumference

(via campkitsch)